This is a bleary picture of me at my 67th birthday. Bleary is good. LOL.
Ok… here it goes. this is what happens in 45 minutes when I sit to write. little if no editing.
There is an age you reach where the thought of how many years you have left to live is something you decided you’re not going to consider. There isn’t half as much left anymore. Maybe not even a third as much.
Middle age has passed, even the “new middle age” has passed. ( Who determined that anyway?) and the hope for a new middle age, if we live to 150, is unlikely.
How many years have ya left if you’re over 60 and counting? That’s right people over 60, not so many. AND, it’s a good idea to get good with that, and not calculate to often out into the not-so-far decade away or so, cause that can roll you over on your back like bad dog and make you feel all kinds of vulnerable.
And, how about how time is going REALLY fast. Wasn’t it just Christmas last week? Is it only 6 weeks till Spring? Thank God for that. It will be Spring tomorrow and you’ll wonder, “Didn’t winter fly by?”
I’m a Hairdresser/Artist. I look in a mirror all day long at you and me, watching myself and you age. And… I’m going to work till my hands can’t move and I’m cutting myself more than your hair. I know that sounds scary and grim. And we both know that’s not gonna happen like that, right?
And, how can I imagine retirement? I am not one that has embraced the journey of retirement in those traditional ways: saving, gathering, etc. etc. I live to the full extent of my existence in the moment; saving little and celebrating life moments as they present themselves. Really, it’s all a gamble, and I have been called to the gamble of BE HERE NOW. (Thanks Ram Das)
When I get off the train of ‘Now’, a little bit of terror creeps in. I hate terror. Who likes it? NO One. That terror involves questions and sentences like this running through my head…
“What are you thinking? You have no retirement, no real extra cash, no children to buffer you, (I never wanted children, so that one isn’t really relevant). You live by the seat of your pants and you’re getting old. Your knees hurt, you got stuff that you can’t identify that comes and goes. WHAT the fuck are you thinking you old geezer girl? You’re gonna have to just drop dead one of these days and hope it doesn’t hurt too much and there is no lingering. And that no one will have to coddle and fawn all over your dying pathetic body for too damn long.”
I let myself have these’s projections. They happen more than I like to have them happen. Then I look around as all that I have that I am grateful for, and let those pleasures and joys fill me up and push away the fear. Future stuff has yet to happen and why linger there? I have no idea. Do YOU? What good is it to fall prey to what we thing is going to happen as opposed to what is happening right now? How can we make that good? WE have the power to change our attitude right now.
None of us get outta here alive in the physical sense of things for sure. My spiritual path says I am an Infinite Being and Love is all there is. (Me and the Beatles are tight) With that said, I’m having some trouble with this aging thing. I do not wish to linger in the negative zones of that ‘thing’ as it creeps in to smother my good humor and well being.
Don’t think for one minute I am above having a good ol’ face lift. It’s a respectable thing to do. And we have the science and the Way to get looking younger, like how we feel inside. I feel 30. I do! How about you? And that face in my mirror is not a face of a 30 year old. NO it isn’t. Graceful. Nice one. Gracefully aging. I’m trying. I am, I mean it. And if I had the money to spare, I’d get a little nip n’ tuck. I hope you still honor and respect me for these wants of mine.
My 45 minutes is almost up. Thanks for listening. You are kind. Now you know a little more about me and how getting old sucks on some levels and is wondrous on others.
Here are the wonders.
I know a lot of shit. And I have lots of wisdom
I’m still highly creative
I believe in magic. I always have
I love my friends and family
I know I am loved deeply.
I am still learning things everyday
I love life
I think the Seasons are glorious even when I complain of too cold or too hot
The Earth is magical
I am a Mystery unfolding
I love feeling 30 inside this 67 year old body.
There is fabulousness in living in the moment.
I close with giving you a Haiku
Bringing in my Breath
Wonder and magic fills me
Dancing on the edge